This Close to Finding You
by berryfuls
Summary: Hallucinations push Olivia to the edge of insanity. Why should she listen to her own mind? Slight P/O, oneshot.


**Well, this is what I've spent the last two weeks on. I started it the day after The Plateau and took THIS long to write. I'm proud of it. But I hate the ending so go ahead and yell at me for that. And keep in mind that the ring of a bell was enough to bring back memories for Olivia so I think something physical would be more than enough.**

* * *

_Insanity:_

_–noun, plural -ties. _

_the condition of being insane; a derangement of the mind._

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* * *

_

The sky seems even darker tonight and stars she had never seen before glow so closely. The night seems off for some reason. She had seen it her whole life and yet tonight it's different. It's like it's a shade or two off than what is usual but even then it shouldn't matter. The difference shouldn't be this prominent. But it is.

She keeps replaying the hallucination in her mind, of the Secretary's son appearing in front of her and telling her that this isn't her world. It has to be. The other side just could not be her home. But he had a point – she hadn't even thought of the protocol, which she now could recall with ease. In the heat of the moment, she hadn't even known what the weird sign had meant; let alone what she was supposed to do because of it.

But she doesn't think of the cryptic words or the hidden meanings. It's the kiss that stumps her so. Hallucinations don't kiss you, because they can't. Even if they did, you shouldn't be able to feel it. The light pressure of his lips against hers had felt even more real than whenever Frank kissed her, which is wrong. Totally and completely wrong. Frank is her boyfriend – it should be the other way around. And just because it isn't doesn't mean she'll ever see this Peter again. It was probably just some tiny relapse, back into that horrible state she had been in on Liberty Island. Everything's going to be fine.

It doesn't matter how many times she tells herself this, she can't change the fact it was real. Or at least it had to have been at one point. She had never been kissed like that by any one in her life and it wasn't something you could just hallucinate.

The sky seems even darker tonight.

Maybe it is because there were no lights in this park, thus the name "Nox Park." She had never been here at night, had never been out of a city before at night. Maybe that was why it seemed so weird. Now that she thinks of it, she remembers looking at some pictures when she was a little girl of the night sky and dreaming of camping out. It looks about the same.

She turns her attention away from the sky and walks towards the nearby fountain. Her fingers touch the cool surface of the water, reminding her that this is reality. Her reality. She had witnessed some pretty weird stuff working with Charlie and Lincoln and that moment… wasn't even that much weirder. She remembers that night with Lincoln during her second week on the job, when they had gone out for drinks. She had just gotten a nonalcoholic Shirley temple and teased about hating the taste of alcohol. He had walked her back to her place and kissed her goodnight. Even though she had pulled away, she laughed. She thinks she said, "Maybe one day, Lincoln, just not today."

What if she hadn't pulled away? What if she had let herself be with someone other than Frank? Well, she kind of did, by letting the hallucination Peter kiss her. But that was a completely different story.

She hates this feeling that she didn't know where she belonged. Does she believe a hallucination which her mind conjured up or does she believe what was rational? There is only one thing to believe – the rational. She can't let herself believe what couldn't be proven.

But during this time, she's noticed a figure coming ever closer to her. Now, she can see the person's face and she sighs in relief.

Astrid Farnsworth.

Her blank expression is surprisingly welcome because it is the one thing in this park that's familiar. Olivia sits down on the edge of the fountain and waves Astrid over to sit next to her. They sit in silence for a few moments before Olivia whispers, "How did you find me?"

She doesn't answer.

The two of them had established a system of communication a long time ago, where they somehow just seem to know what the other is thinking. Whenever she hears Broyles saying "Recommendation, Agent Farnsworth," repeatedly over the radio, she knows which length of silence means what. It had started up pretty much the first week they started working together and had just built up over time. She has gotten the impression several times that Astrid likes her because she's the only person in Fringe Division who actually understands her.

"So, why'd you try to find me? Did the nightmares start again?" Olivia asks.

Astrid shakes her head. "You aren't going to believe me, but you're seeing me as you've seen Peter and Walter." She looks away, mannerisms so unlike the Astrid she had always known. "I know we were never really that close of friends and I admire your strength. But Olivia, you don't belong here. You belong on our side with me, Peter, Walter, and Gene."

"Jean? Who's that?" Olivia's voice is voice, breathless, like it was when she "spoke" to Peter.

Astrid closes her eyes and shakes her head. "I know you remember. Gene is Walter's cow, who your niece Ella bonded with while Walter was high on marijuana." She looks closer at Olivia. "You honestly don't remember."

Olivia smiles politely. "I don't have a niece. My sister died while giving birth to a baby girl, but that's the closest I've had to a niece."

"No. You have a seven-year-old niece named Ella who is absolutely adorable. Your sister is alive and just moved to Boston. You were jealous because she was making moves on Peter. You aren't who they want you to believe you are." Olivia stands up and backs away slowly.

"You aren't real."

Astrid rolls her eyes. "Good God, you're stubborn. But that is very Olivia-ish of you." When Olivia doesn't respond, she stands up. "The sky seems so weird to you because this isn't what you're used to. Boston isn't the same without you. The real you."

Olivia closes her eyes and pinches the bridge of her nose. "Look, even if this was real-" she opens her eyes, but Astrid is already gone.

She is going insane. There's no other way to put it.

* * *

Her second breakdown is in the middle of the Fringe Division office.

She sits at her usual place, scrolling through databases, looking for abnormalities. Mr. Secretary was there that day, casually strolling through the roomy space. Her gaze catches Charlie's, who is sitting across from her. She lifts her eyebrows and smirks. He always gets so jumpy whenever Walter Bishop is around.

"Shut up, Dunham. I'll give you my arachnids."

"Oh, I'm so scared. Wouldn't want little creepy crawling worms inside me!" She fakes a look of horror and has to stop herself from laughing.

He glares at her and mutters, "They're not worms."

She starts to reply when Lincoln pulls a chair up between them. "Back to work, ladies," he whispers under his breath, rolling over next to Olivia to look at her screen. He points at a location. "What's that?"

"Oh, that? That would be a blimp. I've told you time and time again, the blimps mess up the satellite. You still freak out-"

"Not that, Dunham." He grabs her wrist and points her finger at another point on the table-screen. "That. And I do not freak out." She just snorts and zooms into the area by spreading her fingers wide. The location isn't far from the Martin Luther King Jr. Memorial Park, which oddly sounds a little too familiar to her. She can't place why. Typing in a few commands, the street view comes up, revealing the situation.

"Classic code red," a voice murmurs and both of them jump. They turn and see the Secretary. He looks cold and emotionless. "Looks a perfect wormhole. Better go close it up." He spins on his heel and walks away. Lincoln and Olivia look at each other and get up.

But as Olivia turns to Charlie, she sees the Secretary's son standing there next to him. He smiles a broad smile when she meets his gaze. She blinks and turns to Lincoln. She fakes a smile and says, "Let's go then."

He studies her curiously. "What is it, Liv?"

"We just really need to go."

Peter frowns and steps closer to her. "Come on, Olivia… You aren't going to just ignore me, are you? You said that I belonged with you, so here I am…" His words strike a memory she knew she couldn't have had – kissing this man. Not the hallucination, the real one. No, it just never happened. Couldn't. Impossible.

Charlie exchanges a look with Lincoln. "Liv, what are you looking at?" he says carefully, waving in front of her face. But she can only see the hallucination.

"You aren't real," she whispers quietly.

"Olivia, who are you talking to? Of course we're real…" Charlie says. "Come on, you should sit down." He eases her into the office chair she had just been sitting in.

Peter is beside her. He is holding her hand. "Real is just a matter of perception. You look ill, Liv. You should go to the hospital…" He reaches out to feel the temperature of his forehead. A shiver runs through her at the cold contact. Lincoln calls for a medic. But his words just sound muffled, like a conversation in another room.

This isn't happening.

The Secretary watches silently as Olivia is taken away on a stretcher while she yells at an unseen presence. It isn't until she shouts, "LEAVE ME ALONE, PETER!" that Walter realizes what's going on. Dunham is regaining her memories and quickly if the hallucination is this strong.

Looks like it's back to Liberty Island for more testing.

* * *

The third and last time she sees him is about three weeks after the second stay at Liberty Island. Most government employees are lucky to go once, but she had ended up there twice in three months. Amazing, Lincoln says.

She is sitting at home alone, sipping some flavored water and flipping through the newspaper. Most of the events are old news to her by now but a few surprised her – another person found in the quarantine amber! Whitepages stand used for terrorism! How could they have not noticed a person in the amber? Were they in a restroom or something and were unable to be seen? She doesn't read through the article, figuring Lincoln would be grumbling about whatever happened tomorrow.

She yawns and puts the newspaper down, stretching out across the loveseat. Maybe she could convince Frank to get a puppy, so when he left she wouldn't always be so lonely. Or maybe a kitten. A little itty bitty kitty – oh yeah, she could definitely talk Frank into this idea.

Her hand finds its way through her long dark auburn hair, the tips of her bangs tickling her fingers. Her other hand finds her MP4 player, scrolls through songs to her favorite, and sets it in its base to play. Soft jazzy piano chords tinkers out and her voice harmonizes with that of the artist. It's a love song, the song she had had her first slow dance to at senior prom. Later of course, he blew her off because she wouldn't go out drinking with him but the dance was still sweet.

She can fall asleep in this state of bliss. And she almost does.

Then there's a knock on the door.

A groan escapes her lips but she gets up anyway and looks out through the peephole. Odd. What was the Secretary's son doing standing outside her door? And when had he come back? She shrugs and opens the door, a casual smile placed carefully on her face.

"Hello, sir. When did you get back?" she asks, opening the door wider so he can step inside.

But before she can get her bearings, he's throwing his arms around her in the biggest bear hug she's ever got. She decides against breaking away because it would be rude, so she politely pats his back. "Thank God it's you, Liv. I'm so sorry…" he trails off and a strange drop of liquid falls on her shoulder. Was he really… crying? Must come from living on the other side that's made him so… awkwardly adorable.

She pulls away from him and blinks. "We've spent a total of half an hour in the same room. But if you're that emotional from being stolen back to the other side… I mean they did steal you ag-" Her words are cut off by the pressure of his lips against hers. She jerks away, surprised by a sudden flood of memories that couldn't be hers. An underground lab at Harvard. A baby that died of old age in a few hours. A niece named Ella. A cow named Gene. An Astrid Farnsworth capable of normal speech and conveying emotion.

Her gaze slides to his, where his eyes are full of emotion and pain. He thinks she remembers everything. She smiles faintly and reaches up to kiss him. This time his arms tighten around her body, keeping her in place. She feels more memories finding their way to the forefront of her mind, including what really happened at her stay on Liberty Island, but at the moment she doesn't care. All she cares about is this man she remembers everything about again and the sensation of his kiss. When he pulls away, she sees the guilt and sorrow in his eyes and can only guess what happened.

"You fell for the Olivia that went back, didn't you?" The words aren't accusatory but he suddenly is unable to look her in the eye.

"I'm sorry. I'd say it a million times if you wanted me to. At first I honestly thought it was you. Then- then I started to notice the differences between you, the Olivia I had always known, and her. I just didn't want to accept what was right in front of my eyes."

"But eventually you did," she whispers, taking a step away from him. It isn't out of hurt –she's actually amazed he was willing to hurt himself that much to be who he thought was her- but more that she needs some space. "How'd you get back over here?"

He smiles a grateful half-smile for the subject change. "Massive Dynamic. When Bell died to get us back to our side, he left the company to Walter." Her eyes open wide in shock. "I know, that was all of our initial reactions at first. It takes some getting used to and I don't think Walter himself believes it yet. Brandon was more than willing to help us over here once we explained the situation." He pauses. "The only difficulty would be getting back. I was so desperate to find you that I didn't really think the whole plan through."

She grins. "Walternate," –the nickname finds its way easily to her lips- "The Walter Bishop of this side, and I have been doing some tests. He did something to be to make me believe I was this side's Olivia and said that the other Olivia –me- could travel between worlds. I successfully crossed over once but freaked out and ended up back on this side. I could probably open the door again."

He holds out his hand and she takes it. Remembering the technique that had worked, the shining, shimmering portal appears in front of them and she knows she's figured how to create it. Wordlessly, they step through to their home together.

They will have time to discuss the reality of happened and what didn't later. All the time in the world will be at their disposal. He'll have time to make her understand and she'll have time to forgive him. Words will come later. But now, the only ones that come out just ease the tension between them.

"Liv?"

"Yeah?"

"You're much prettier as a blonde without your bangs." She smiles.


End file.
